The Perils of Lesbian Dating

I wrote this piece for my friends on FB back in August a couple of months before the BBC published its piece on similar experiences happening in the lesbian community. I hadn't wanted to write something so personal as how I operated on a date, but it turned out to be an effective story to convey how gender ideology is impacting the personal lives of lesbians in a way that is increasingly becoming a form of harassment. 

Throwback Thursday: In 2014 I was active on dating sites OkCupid and Match. I enjoyed meeting women, hearing their stories and telling mine. I also corresponded with two transwomen who contacted me. Both had recently transitioned. One described her journey to me at length answering my gentle questions. She was exploring her feminine nature on a spiritual level encouraged by her yoga teacher she told me. After two weeks she said that telling her story to me was the reason I had appeared in her life and we did not need to meet or correspond further. 

The other, pictured here, had just moved to the Bay Area and asked to meet me. I suggested the restaurant and picked her up outside her condo. Given what she was wearing (a semi formal gown) I treated her like a lady and opened the car door for her. She also waited for me to open the car door upon our arrival. She towered over me at close to 6ft as I opened the door to the restaurant. We were at a Thai restaurant where I could show off my Thai by ordering dinner. 

As we talked I learned that she was from Texas where she had raised three children as a man and that her wife had not wanted to remain married as she transitioned at the age of 58. She asked her company to move her to California for the more liberal atmosphere. She was well received here and her workmates seemed to think her transition was innovative; the company was a weapons manufacturer and commercial and military electronics firm. She appeared to be quite high up in this firm and was regularly flown across the country to review projects. She offered that she was politically on the conservative side of liberal.

As I was realizing how highly paid she likely was I was also noting that there was nothing about her story that was the life of a woman. Nothing of the history and struggle of being a woman. Nor did this tall thin person appear to be a woman apart from being dressed as one. All I could feel was the male privilege of a high ranking man. And such a presentation did not qualify as a woman in my book (her trans struggle notwithstanding). Not that I was going to tell her that. I had just thought there would on some level be something that would say woman to me. Then she mused that having transitioned it seemed that she would have to take up the identity of a lesbian. It was not a category that seemed to garner much enthusiasm.

I thought of how I had spent a good deal of my life energy defending this category of lesbian long before any of my lesbian peers had come out or thought it was even a good idea to be out. And I was offended that here was a man assuming that not only could he just take up this title, but without even considering if other lesbians would have him as a romantic partner. He certainly wasn’t asking me this question (or anything about me for that matter). Why did he not just seek partners from the pool of bisexual women? I had seen a profile of such a woman who specifically stated that she would date transwomen because as she put it she "was familiar with the equipment”.

At the end of our dinner we each paid our way and I asked our waitress to take our picture. She was happy to do so and that was the last we saw of the wait people. Thai people know a transwoman when they see one. Or as my aunt once put it “that’s a Katoi; you can’t fool me” when I showed her my college photo album and she pointed out my friend Mark in drag. Katoi is the word for third gender meaning those, mostly men and likely gay, who cross dress and take on the role of the opposite sex. 

I took my date back to her condo and gave her a hug in the parking lot. She wrote me later that she enjoyed our time together, but did not wish to date me because I was too close to having just ended a long term relationship. Such judgement did not sit well with me. Hadn't I decided I was ready to enter the dating pool? In turn I said that I did not wish to date her because she didn’t have enough body fat on her. 

“That’s the first time anyone’s complained of that to me,” she responded taking it as a complement. I didn’t want to appear rude by pointing out that I didn’t sleep with men no matter how much of a woman he fancied himself to be. I was fine letting these men have their woman idea of themselves. I just wasn’t willing to accept that I should be expected to date them.

In debriefing this experience I learned that there was a term called “the cotton ceiling” that referred to lesbian underpants. It was used in a title of a workshop at an LGBTQ conference offered in 2012. The complete title “How to Overcome the Cotton Ceiling: Breaking Down Sexual Barriers For Queer Trans Women” was for a workshop designed to convince lesbians that transwomen are women (biology notwithstanding) and should be regarded as such. It is fully admitted in the workshop description. I was incensed by the concept that barriers had to be overcome so a man could, through linguistic sleight of hand, persuade a lesbian to consider him a suitable romantic partner. I did not wish to be strategized by such language. I am the kind of woman who considers the visual thought experiment of removing my underpants for the purpose of breaking down sexual barriers for male access to be a violation akin to rape. 

And that my friends is how I came to be “peaked” as they say in the resistance.

Now workshops are recommending that transwomen in my age group hide their trans identity due to our exposure to 2nd wave feminism and steadfast ideas of what a woman is; whereas before transwomen had been proudly open about their male to female status on dating sites. And so it was that I found myself earlier this year corresponding with a person presenting themselves as a woman who I strongly suspected was a man. So much was every line devoid of female camaraderie and imbued with a slight tone of condescension. There was only one small portrait to go by plus a lot of group shots from a winter mountaineering expedition while she tried to impress me with her LinkedIn resume which showed the considerable commercial accomplishments of an architect. When I told her of my early lesbian activism and asked about her coming out she said that was a question that required a lot of thought and would have to wait as she was being deployed to the Gulf by the Coast Guard. And that was the last I heard from her. Yes, no transwoman wants to be interrogated by a long time lesbian activist as to their lesbian credentials. 

What is the logical outcome of this hiding strategy? Where does the secret end? In the bedroom? In the deplatforming of homosexuality? In the reprogramming of lesbians? All this already seemingly a done deal with the young.

Today if a lesbian states on her profile on lesbian dating sites that she will only date biological women she will have her account shut down for not adhering to community standards. To state a preference for a biological woman is to use “hate speech” and is called “genital essentialism”. Lesbian groups that state biological women only are shut down. Lesbians are being asked not just to mind their own business, but to show their solidarity to transwoman i.e. men by pretending to be open to sleeping with them. The term “lesbian” is now more and more being associated with being a hater. While "pansexual" is the preferred term for "bisexual". 

Transwomen fond of positions of power have asserted their voice and their demands in just about all organizations devoted to women and lesbian causes. The American Medical Association by advise of trans activists recently recommended that the designation of sex be removed from the public side of birth certificates making biological sex a matter of utmost privacy implying that we have no right to know the true sex of a person. As if it will no longer be obvious given enough plastic surgery and pharmaceuticals. 

The public will continue to be asked to ponder if laws that safeguard women and girls safe spaces and opportunities reserved for them being now open to men is just fine for a society that prides itself in upholding women’s rights and women's opportunities. This is just my report from my lesbian corner of the world on the status of compelled speech, thought control and the right to assemble here in the U.S.

Birth of a Resistance

Last Sunday, 60 Minutes aired a segment on “transgender health”. As reported by interviewees the original intention was to do an hour long story on young people who regret altering their body in their attempt to achieve the goal of changing their sex. Trans activists objected heavily to this story about detransitioners claiming it would endanger the lives of trans people. So the program was cut to 14 minutes and more was added from the pro-trans side to give it “balance”.

Yet a story about a young person happy with their transition cannot compete with those who regret theirs. Regret being one of the most compelling human conditions especially when the stakes are so high as to involve cutting off body parts that give you biological function  and sexual pleasure. 

Thus the add-on scenes seem scripted and the explanations by a trans therapist do nothing to clarify what this is even about, and why so many are going down this path. The guidelines cited for transitioning are too vague and the timelines too short before medical treatment is given is the only conclusion to be had. And when a medical doctor claims that puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones are not an experimental treatment no studies are offered. (I have already posted the statement from the original Dutch researchers pleading for more research on puberty blockers because they themselves knew their work was experimental.)

To ignore these detransitioner cases of regret and harm is to appear heartless to the tragic turn these lives took. But an industry that has decided to affirm and escort into medical treatment anyone who decides that their problems stem from being the wrong sex cannot afford to be wrong. 

Entire mental health institutions have set aside a hundred and sixty years of developmental psychology to bow down to the concept that humans have a soul that is gendered and those with body dysphoria must be rescued from their physical body. As if their whole body were one big birth defect for which, if not treated, the only outcome is suicide. To question this ideology is to be called transphobic and bigoted. Researchers and institutions unused to such accusations have stayed silenced.

Framing and manipulation of language by the trans ideology has kept the public confused. Defeat has been a master teacher as women from all manner of backgrounds bond over this issue, sharing information on how this is affecting so many. Medical students are being taught to negate biological sex through correct trans ideological language whereby they are told that there are women with penises (and men with vaginas) for instance. Never mind that men and women are biologically subjected to different medical issues and that this should never be overlooked as in the case of the transman who didn't know "he" was pregnant so no medical personnel at the ER thought to check this possibility in diagnosing "him" resulting in the loss of the baby.

To deny that detransitioners exist is foolhardy. Trans activists will hang themselves by their own rope in their attempt to cry foul on these detransitioning stories. 60 Minutes was unable to do much of an investigation given the politicizing of this issue, but even in the truncated time offered with only two of the four shown allowed to speak (30 actually interviewed) all the components of how this phenomenon arose are there in the details of these compelling stories. Along with their revelations about gender stereotyping. These young people who are seeking to give meaning to their messed up lives have nowhere to go, but out into the open with their stories.

In light of the recent four hour documentary on the opiate industry by HBO it is an easy leap to imagine that the opiate crisis was hardly the exception, but rather the ruling strategy when it comes to the pharmaceutical industry pushing a product. The microdosing of cross sex hormones is a concept now being marketed to lesbians suggesting that masculine-presenting women should want to use testosterone to erase their female bodies.

I had the pleasure of co-hosting a Zoom presentation on transgenderism recently. We had Scott Newgent as a guest. Scott had an article published in Newsweek stating her concerns about children undergoing sex reassignment treatment as a transman who has suffered serious medical complications from transsexual surgeries. She now defines herself as a lesbian transman who would detransition if the prospect didn't require more painful medical alterations.

Scott would be livid with the statements made on this 60 Minute program by the pro-trans side. She argues that, at 42 years old, she was not given all the information she needed to navigate her dysphoria which she now says was a mental health issue related to homophobia. She had to do all the medical treatments first to find out that modifying her body did not solve her issues. So, as she points out, how can anyone expect a teenager to understand all they need to know about it. (She has three children in this age range.)

Scott claims that 9 out 10 trans people regret their transition. Buck Angel being the only transsexual in her circle who is happy with transition. The remaining one percent wish there were things they knew regarding side effects before committing to it. Buck now answers questions as "Transpa" giving cautionary advice on a personal YouTube channel.

Scott also said that even with all that went wrong with her phalloplasty she could not find a single attorney to take her case to sue for malpractice. Every attorney explained that there is no baseline of correct procedure for such surgery because it is experimental. Buck Angel has not attempted a phalloplasty because of its terrible failure rate. 

Given the relentless overreach of transgender ideology especially in schools ever more information is being launched blog-by-blog in classic grassroots fashion. Transgender Trend in the UK was one of the first to aid parents with science-based information devoid of gender identity ideology. Individuals (some with their identities carefully hidden for fear of being called transphobic and losing their jobs) are posting compelling information they have researched. One reveals the educational material used in schools where children are being taught gender ideology. The story books for children are so creepy I could hardly watch more than a few minutes at a time. So much did the narrative suggest that children should view their body as a disassociated entity as though it could be traded in like an appliance if it didn't satisfy them. Not to mention changing one's sex as a journey of self realization as described in fairy tale fashion in the book I Am Jazz (about YouTube child star Jazz Jennings).

Recently I reviewed a parenting book focused on advising blind sided parents faced with the harrowing journey of a child suddenly announcing they are trans. The title Desist, Detrans, & Detox: Getting Your Child Out Of The Gender Cult caught my attention. It was such a statement of resistance. The author and her team also have a website offering information challenging gender ideology in the context of developmental psychology. They kindly published my review.

The collaboration gave me a chance to talk to the author about the section in the book that she called "the God part". She explained that she and her team did not want the book to be perceived as solely a Christian book, but did feel it was important to include the section challenging the idea that a child can be born "wrong" because so many Christian parents want to be pro-trans in order to atone for the sins of Rightwing Christians.

I have heard the same said by a psychologist (a gender specialist who recently resigned from the Tavistock gender clinic in the UK). He commented on the eagerness of psychotherapists to be trans affirming in order to atone for the damage done to gay people by their profession in the past. I would say that the profession has been recalibrating their assessment of gay people since 1972 when homosexuality was delisted as a disorder from the diagnostic manual of mental disorders (the DSM). They were still listing gender non-conforming presentations as a disorder, but that too was being gradually reassessed as “gender dysphoria”.

To throw away all methodology in favor of deferring to what those afflicted with body dysphoria declare is true would be to throw the baby out with the bathwater. When it comes to mental health it is still wise to have an objective person challenge your thought processes as to why you have come to a certain self-diagnostic conclusion. To allow teenagers to self diagnose and then give them body altering drugs without any attempt to question further is rash don’t you think? Yet that is what is happening with these quickie one hour assessments at Planned Parenthood which is now the leading dispenser of cross sex hormones for those 18 and over.

This is my first public collaboration with the resistance against transgender ideology. I am one of the few contributors to show my picture and name as other contributors are parents wishing to protect the privacy of their trans identifying child.

Luckily I do not have to navigate this territory alone. I have a friend (an adult human female) with whom to debrief, share information and construct clarifying analyses. We message each other daily with the latest discoveries and triumphs as legislation kicks in state by state in the US and in the UK where the discussion is further along. We are also in a study group with two men who are concerned about the implications of all this thought control on free speech and discussion vital to a healthy democracy. We have presented information to others hoping to encourage critical thinking rather than just going along with whatever the trans coopted LGBTQ organizations dictates must be so. 

Lesbians have long been protesting the presence of heterosexual men identifying as lesbians in our dating pool and commandeering lesbian only space. Gay men were late to the party, but are taking notice and contributing to the conversation now. One talented man with the handle Mr Menno creates witty song videos that offer in three and a half minutes what would take me lengthy carefully worded articles to parse out the same issues. 

Over the last year I have been fascinated to watch women learn that outrage must be replaced by carefully thought-out language on such a meta level that it feels like feminism and womanhood are being freshly discovered. The farther this ideology reaches and the closer it gets to thought control the more people will be drawn to question it. Discussions of psychology, philosophy, what knowledge-based learning means and what women’s experience consists of are becoming so basic that the collective discussions become a mass educational process as if the world were just being born. Movements like this become a review of the entire society. A much needed cultural audit it may be too carrying with it a great deal of energy and excitement as we realize what is at stake.

Trans In Amandaland

This is as trans as it gets in Amandaland. This would usually be the opening weekend of Frameline, the LGBTQ film festival. So here’s a homemade queer image. It is a recreation of a scene from “Bound” which I saw at Frameline in 1996 with a sold out house. I also created it to hold down the space for a particular niche—that of the masculine woman. It is a niche I’ve been enjoying as a member of an FB group where proud butches come to show off their suits and their haircuts hosted by the Black lesbian owner of the clothing design company Haute Butch.

A niche that was nearly disappeared by the ultra femme representation in The L Word (which we consumed voraciously for its very hot depiction of glamorized lesbians in L.A played by straight women particularly Jennifer Beals). The reboot even more over the top femme glamorous even with addition of a trans man and soft butch wearing Tomboy X boy briefs. I have a stack of those briefs too, but they are not as real as my Fruit of the Loom traditional tightie whities. Real in the sense of honest to god cross dressing. Because there is power in that realness.

I also hold down this space because in a heteronormative, binary world the category has been eclipsed by the trans movement coming into its own and the pressure on non-gender conforming youth to go the trans route especially girls. Thank-you youtube. Because being neither here nor there is too ambiguous for a culture that demands hard line categorical definitions full of color coded pink and blue children’s toys. A culture that demands that either you’re a man or you’re a woman. Gender identity is a spectrum in my mind, not a box to check. And my belief in reincarnation allows for all kinds of overlap in personal gender issues as you go from one sex to another from life to life. That is the underlying explanation for my state of mind on the masculine nature of my self identification. And I wish to hold this ambiguous gender presentation as an option for queer youth.

Thailand which has become the sex change capital of the world has recently forbidden minors to undergo sex changes because too often the minors in question changed their minds. Hint hint. Minors are defined as age 21 if male and 18 if female.

In Asia the cross dressing person has long had a social position and a label. A category that is also represented in the Native American Two Spirit culture. And I would not be surprised if indigenous Africa also had such a category. This is the information I learned at probably six years old which informed me growing up, gave me a space to occupy and giving me maybe a 10-15 year head start in coming out over my American peers.

Western culture has always had non-gender conforming queer folk as well as oppressed gays and lesbian, but as the largely white gay community became more straight presenting assimilationist and more accepted by society, the rest of the community was pushed aside. Some reinvented themselves as trans with their own story of origin of being persons trapped in the wrong body. I’ve gotten into heaps of trouble with my own community in trying to make my case so this is completely my take. But over time the trans position itself became more receptive of gender as a spectrum of presentations (or maybe they were always that way). So I decided to stake my position within the trans community just to hold down my niche which has its own history and cultural representation even in the West. The butch lesbian manager in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel comes to mind here. As does a character in Orange Is The New Black.

And having created this political trans position as the T in the LGBT alphabet and having that category so recently legally recognized by the Supreme Court decision last week we gender queer people are now all protected ironically enough no matter where on the spectrum we fall or whom we love. We shall see anyway. Happy Pride.

(Backdated to reflect date first posted to Facebook.)